My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
