apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
