Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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