his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
