So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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