He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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