her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
