i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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