Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
we're so committed to being not committed
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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