i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
