Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
