But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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