So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
