I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
