Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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