i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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