We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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