I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
