I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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