While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
