Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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