just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.