i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.