I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
