i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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