I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
