wrigley field is MILF paradise
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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