Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
