Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
