and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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