M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
