Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
