false alarm. still invincible.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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