Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
