dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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