Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
