my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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