if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I had to cum in my sink.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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