finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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