he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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