I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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