I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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