My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
