my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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