Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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