i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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