i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
