I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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