She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
