Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
