Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
