wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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