Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
