i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
