I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
