I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
