Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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