Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
