I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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