Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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