you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
