I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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